This week’s Kings Park TT, the second in the series, was a non-event for the Coglioni. I was literally Shanghai’d and Stuey was either busy doing more sleep training or had decided to rest on his laurels, while Water Boy and O’Dirty seemed to think a good ride on Sunday excused them from their threats to make an appearance. Hopefully we will make a better showing at the third outing next Tuesday.
Archive for November, 2007
And so we all converged on Casa Paddles where beer, wine and useless soft drinks were flowing. Things were cooking on the bar-b, the sun was shining and all was good in the Coglioni world. Well not quite all, as Zippy was home in bed and Lydia would soon need a nap so your humble scribe and erstwhile team manager Bif had to dash home in the interests of domestic harmony.
Returning on the steady steel of the KHS mountain bike I was ready and willing to toast the season with a Coopers Sparkling Ale or two. (Young readers should note that not only is this fine relic from the nineteenth century Australia’s tastiest beer, it also comes handsomely wrapped in the Coglioni colours.) But in life there are some few things that come before getting sozzled, and one of these is the tabulation of the Coglioni d’Oro, known affectionately as the Golden Goolies.
I can admit in this esteemed readership that this award was partly inspired by the annual festival of the boot known as the Brownlow, in homage to those Coglioni who have a strange and inexplicable interest in this odd sport. The formula, explained here in written form for the first time, was simple. Each Coglioni would be awarded a point for every kilometre ridden in anger, and bonus points both plus and minus would be awarded for heroics both on and off the bike.
Most of the on-the-bike bonus points seemed to relate to either things falling off the bike, or to “the natural stop” as a certain doyen of cycling commentary would say. Special mention must go to Water Boy’s half-Ullrich on the York ride (50 points) and again to the same esteemed rider for his tireless work on our fine jerseys (100 points). Nevertheless it was the stalwart engine room of Paddles, Blinder and Stuey who fought it out for top spot with the tireless O’Dirty who’s innumerable off-bike efforts were only marred by his toilet troubles on course and failure to front-up for that crucial first ride at Chidlow.
In the end the final assault on Kalamunda proved crucial: Blinder leaping clear of Stuey for the Silver Gooly by having a better excuse for not riding (sick as opposed to just not there) and Paddles beating all rivals by realising that hosting the bar-b was bound to reap more points than busting his arse riding up a hill. So without further ado I present the final tally and wish hearty congratulations to our winners Paddles (inaugural Golden Goolies winner), Blinder (Silver Gooly), O’Dirty (special manager’s Red Gooly award for effort).
| Rider | Tally |
|---|---|
| Paddles | 634 |
| Blinder | 584 |
| Stuey | 539 |
| O’Dirty | 526 |
| Bif | 435 |
| The Doctor | 434 |
| Water Boy | 424 |
| Digger | 340 |
| Cannibal | 150 |
| TechnoBoy | 100 |
| Sicknote | 75 |
| Ted | 25 |
Note that these scores have been transcribed from a photographic record of the tally board, and disputes will not be entertained. Sicknote and Ted were awarded 50 points each after the fact for doing the Kalamunda ride when no-one thought they would be seen near that hill again. Winners should pay due respect to their prizes and wear them on all team rides in the coming season.
It seemed a bit early for end-of-year festivities, especially with one ride left to go in the official Cyclosportif calendar, but with travel commitments for O’Dirty, Bif and The Doctor all getting in the way it seemed best to grab the first weekend possible. So Sunday 18th November it was.
The plan was to pay homage to Kalamunda hill, as this had played such a big part in the group’s cycling exploits, and was the site of the team’s hill climb records. It just seemed appropriate to begin the day there. Paddles kindly offered his abode for the afternoon bar-b. So it was settled; we would meet on the bridge at 7:30, roll to Kalamunda, do a time, then roll back to Paddles’s place for afternoon festivities.
An interstate Coglioni, TechnoBoy, had flown over especially as he saw this as a perfect opportunity to break O’Dirty’s 11:21 record and score a free feed in the process, only one of which he would achieve.
Even before the start however the excuses for not doing the climb were coming thick and fast. Paddles had to tidy up the yard so that we could mess it up again, Blinder was crook, Bif bailed at the last minute as Katrina got crook, Stuey just couldn’t open his eyes apparently. Not sure where Monster was. Funny though, as they all turned up for snags and beer later in the day…
So, donned in Coglioni colours on the bridge was a small but elite group of athletes, O’Dirty, The Doctor, Sicknote, Cannibal, Waterboy and Ted. Although Ted, not wanting to offend O’Dirty by wearing a Coglioni shirt with blue shorts had chosen a different top and was planning on just doing the Gino’s ride with Sicknote. This did not come as a surprise that Sicknote would use an excuse to get out of climbing Kalamunda, however O’Dirty was not prepared for what happened next. Sicknote was actually playing psychological games with Ted, telling him that he would join him on the Gino’s ride, but all the time knowing that once Ted saw the fine body of athletes striking out for the hills, he would have to join in. As Sicknote correctly guessed, this is exactly what happened.
So we were off, or so we thought. Cannibal impressed Sicknote with a new and ingenius excuse for getting out of the ride. He had filed his rear cable down to a single strand such that when he change gears it snapped, leaving him gearless. So Cannibal turned around knowing he had avoided the pain for another couple of weeks anyway.
The ride to the hills was uneventful. We picked Digger up in Bassendean. Sicknote did his usual of riding alone at the head of the bunch, to the point that he took a wrong turn at Guildford and The Doctor had to chase after him. The rest of us waited for 10 minutes until they caught us up again. There was the softener of Ridgehill Rd to negotiate with most people keeping their powder dry for the main event. The Doctor stuffed a banana down, in the hope that it would have digested enough to give him a boost up the hill. Not sure that happened however, as he may have left it too late.
So, onto the climb of Kalamunda. TechnoBoy had been coached on the climb by O’Dirty, so sort of knew what to expect. So from the off O’Dirty sprinted like a rocket with TechnoBoy and The Doctor right on his wheel. Waterboy was attempting to break both Single Speed and normal records by riding the Langster, but was caught by surprise by this sudden burst. But as soon as the road started to rise O’Dirty was crying out, “that’s it, I am done, you are by yourselves”. TechnoBoy and the Doctor went by and began the slog up the 11%. Meanwhile at the back, Sicknote, having given everyone a big enough headstart, began picking up the stragglers, namely Ted, whose gears were jumping such that he couldn’t get a small enough gear. I believe the shire of Kalamunda learned a few new expletives on Sunday…
At the top of the steep section TechnoBoy was ahead and had found some sort of rhythm. O’Dirty somehow caught The Doctor, who was carrying the extra weight of an undigested banana in his guts. This spurred on the one-lunged O’Dirty (apparently very sick that day), as he found his rhythm also. Not much more to report from the climb as the Coglioni were spread out along Kalamunda Rd. O’Dirty had to put it into the big ring and sprint the last 400 meters to keep it under 12 minutes, something he only just managed. At the top the records speak for themselves with TechnoBoy breaking the record, setting a new time of 11:06. Surely this will inspire the resurging Bif to go under 11 minutes!
The official times were:
| Rider | Time |
|---|---|
| TechnoBoy | 11:05 |
| O’Dirty | 11:59 |
| The Doctor | 12:39 |
| Waterboy (SS) | 13:00 |
| Digger | 15:15 |
| Sicknote | 16:30 |
| Ted | 17:00 |
An excellent Single-Speed time from Waterboy, beating his previous PB by around 2 minutes. Digger, having not ridden much since the “Thumb up the bum” incident turned in an excellent time. Sicknote having avoided the climb for so many years, threw in a respectable time and was actually heard saying “That wasn’t so bad”! Ted’s unfortunate mechanical cost him time, but it is a PB he should have no trouble beating.
The ride home was the usual swoop down the zig-zag, followed by the high speed chase back to Guildford. It was noted that Sicknote was doing the odd turn at 40+kph as we headed back. A ripped tyre to The Doctor caused a stop, but this was hardly surprising based on the amount of glass on the bike paths.
Yeah you know it! Once again I’ve been subjected to a session of misery and pain on wheels, courtesy of the evil twins (Bif & O’Dirty) and it goes a little something like this:
For those of you not aware, the evil twins, in particular Bif on this occasion, coerced me into entering a 17.4km time trial event at Kings Park on Tuesday 13th Nov. The pre-ride logistics were simple enough, involving Bif and I to meet up and ride into Kings Park to rendezvous with O’Dirty and Waterboy at the event start.
All seems fair enough right? Yeah that’s what I thought too, but as usual the excuses piled up and the lads dropped off like tin soldiers and there I was casting a lonely shadow at the event start. No doubt, I was part of a grander plan of the evil twins to finalise my initiation for wearing the Coglioni jersey.
To set the scene, the course consisted of 3 laps broken up with small undulations and a complimentary pinch to finish off each lap. Pre-start stretches consisted of the usual nervous fumblings associated with fitting bibs together with an anxious poo and wee prior to getting on my way. Regrettably, I didn’t give much time or thought to any event strategy or tactics other than to take on O’Dirty’s comprehensive advice to “just go hard - full bore all way”. All things considered this was sound advice, although a practice lap of the course would’ve helped but my keenness to visit the toilet squashed that opportunity.
Without going into any detail of the 3 laps, mainly because I can’t recall, I will share some commentary of my repetitious thoughts for each respective lap, see below:
Lap 1 - “These other contestants are all drug cheats because I am puffing so hard but going so slow….”
Lap 2 - “I’m not enjoying this as much as I had anticipated, sob…sob..wait ’til I see the evil twins next” and other more colourful language that I wont repeat here
Lap 3 - White line fever….. “I think I can make it - oops I’m gonna puke”
Mechanical failures consisted of a popped spoke and buckle. Not exactly sure where and when it happened and I don’t honestly believe it made much difference; however, beware as it could be resubmitted as an excuse at a later stage for lost time :-).
Highlights to report occurred about 1km from the finish when I spotted a tantalising figure pedalling through the undulations and final ascent about 600 -700m ahead on the radar. Fortunately I had a couple of drops of fuel in the tank so I gave it a quick squirt and to my surprise lurched closer to the figure. Licking my lips I repeatedly drove my aching carcass into action until I overtook my unsuspecting victim (female). To my despair, the small victory couldn’t be sustained as the young mare kicked and dusted me in her trail. In a last ditched effort I looked down at my spinning chicken legs in the small hope of a repechage to get me over the line. Fortunately, intestinal fortitude prevailed and saw me to my psychological victory - just like a fairy tale really.
| Lap 1 | Lap 2 | Lap 3 | Total | Speed | Std Time | Place | StdPlace | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Stuey | 10:25 | 10:39 | 10:42 | 31:46 | 32.9 | -5:30 | 45th | 68th |
The “Std Time” is the deviation (where “+” is good and “-” is bad) from an arbitrary standard time for the distance for your age. The “Std Place” is your ranking (among eighty-one starters on the day) using the standard time instead of absolute time. You can see the full results and ATTA ride report on the RESULTS page of their website.
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