You will immediately note the reference to Dante’s epic poem of which the first of three divisions is about his journey through Hell (Dante’s Inferno). It seemed apt to use this as a structure for my first ride report. But not being an expert in the Arts, the relationship and links to the poem will be tenuous and minimal. What follows is a description of my observations of the Cinque Coglioni interspersed with some of my own personal reflections, the inclusion of the latter because 1) I want to – it’s my report after all, 2) provide information that others may be able to draw on and, 3) we all enjoy a bit of voyeurism, even if access to someone’s inner world is only in text!

First, I think enough has been said about the non-starters (see previous blog entries and comments) other than perhaps it is a bit unfair that O’Dirty has copped it most. The other “culprits” and withheld excuses haven’t gone unnoticed! Second, please bear in mind I had no bike computer so details about distances, speeds, and times are guesstimates and based on post-race feedback from others.

I travelled with Stuey for the 1.5hr journey. The large carpeted boot and rear passenger seat of his car ensured our bikes travelled in comfort too. I am often met with chagrin when my taste in music is broached but I’m finding more and more there’s some Metal in everyone! Yes, Stuey – a Suicidal Tendencies fan – was lamenting I didn’t bring any Iron \m/\m/ Maiden tapes to play. DMCs (deep and meaningful conversations) about careers, children and wives distracted us well enough though. Turning off the Great Northern Hwy heading atop a descent of 5km towards Lancelin, I had two main thoughts: what a beautiful view (white dunes, blue ocean, bright clear day) and, shit, do we have to cycle back up?

As we rolled into town in the usual convoy, we passed Spunker and just happened to grab a park near Babel and The Doctor. The usual individual and team preparations ensued – assembling bikes, dressing, eating and drinking, etc. Notably, my baby-wipes weren’t required but there’s one tree which has had sufficient urea for the year. I think it was The Doctor that signed us in and handed out the bibs. Red Oo! Thanks Chidlow boys. Just great I thought. Shit loads of teams in front of us and with the seriously good ones behind us. Can’t wait to see how this turns out.

As teams began to line up and get under way, we ventured off to the back (Oo, you’ve got to be joking!) and waited for our call-up. And then there were Tre Coglioni. Yes, that’s right. In 60 seconds we were off but no Spunker, no Stuey! At 30s Spunker rolled up – last minute (literally) ablutions were called for. Where’s Stuey? Five, four, three, two, one, Go! And Quattro Coglioni began the 103km ride. Off down the road,…100m,…200m, slowly, looking behind. Team Pp go past. Still there was no red ensemble to be seen. At this stage yours truly made a U-turn back to the start. By then Stuey had returned, joined the start with team Qq and followed out with them to join me and the rest.

Good. Cinque Coglioni. Stuey then served his penance well by apology, self-admonition, and taking an extended turn out front at speed. No problems. I guess we all thought it could have been worse – O’Dirty could have been there! Hell hath no fury than a team leader scorned?

The first 30kms were tough (have a read on the cyclosportif website for a good description of the course) with a geography of rolling hills (sand dunes) with inclines of just that right length that tapped into a team’s strengths and weaknesses. I’m fairly fit but not as strong as Babel and co., so there were plenty of loud calls, all from me: “Steady!” “Easy!” “SLOW DOWN for FCUKS sake!” Pleas for mercy were well heeded, sufficiently enough to disabuse me of the notion to retire – well there were ~80kms to go!

By the B group turn-point (36km), my body had switched over to sustained endurance mode and for the remainder of the mostly flat stretch up to the 51.5km A group turn around point, good form and speed (back up to suitable Babel and co. levels I venture to say) was the norm. And for the record, it should be noted that despite this being Spunker’s first cyclosportif event, he demonstrated a superb team ethic – considerate, strong, mindful. He is indeed a valuable member.

But on making the U-turn, after I had grabbed a bottle of water held out by a steward – a nice new initiative by the organization – I couldn’t but help reflect on our situation. We had been overtaken by everyone. We were the last to turn. Lanterne Rouge.

And then we descended to the next level of Hell. Stuey began to cramp, big time, which lasted for the remainder of the ride. In an act of astute leadership and cycling acumen, Babel recommended to Stuey that he forgo any leading. In addition, Babel then took it upon himself to put in extended turns out front, an example that was followed by the rest of us, more so Spunker and The Doctor than me (minimally, I held my own and kept pace/match but had to monitor and treat with caution a twinge in my right quadriceps). That Stuey lasted and completed the ride is as a testimony to his strength of character.

Despite having to curtail speed and alter structure, the other notable feature of the homeward bound journey were the number of teams we began to overtake. This was no coincidence – an outcome of Babel’s leadership stroke. In addition to teams beginning to falter and crack because of the distance and the 20km of hills at the end, the number of teams who punctured was also aplenty. We had plunged the depths of Hell, gone through Purgatory, and now were beginning to ascend Paradiso – we were finishing strong, continually overtaking teams, still hadn’t punctured, and were undoubtedly restoring a more appropriate
rank ordering.

I note from the cyclosportif website we came 29th of the 49 starters. The post-ride lunch was the usual filling spread. No beers for the boys today though! The speeches were too long. The emcee wasn’t funny. There was confusion when team Oo was considered the best on the day. Tre Coglioni went up to collect – Stuey didn’t move having already fallen off his chair during lunch because of a seizure in his hamstrings and I didn’t want to put my legs to the test – only to find the B team Black Oo were the recipients. No raffle winnings to speak of either.

The drive home with Stuey was, of course, a dissection of the ride. I believe two themes can be extracted from our discussions: 1) Long distance ride preparation, and 2) When Otto or Nove Coglioni? On 1) plenty advice has been disseminated by our esteemed leaders already. I believe I got it right for myself on the day, but the knowledge I have about what is the right level of carbo loading and hydration for me pre, during, and post an event of such distance only came with the experience of bonking last year when I rode with Babel and Bif in a 130km training ride. Regarding 2), O’Dirty? Bif?