Another fine and warm spring afternoon greeted the third C.C.Coglioni wind-up and Golden Goolies awards. Things were in full swing by the time I rolled up in the late afternoon with The Chicken, and the assembled Coglioni marveled at the difference twelve months had made to the size of their various progeny. Young Toby Spunker in particular seemed to have grown from nothing at all into a fine strapping lad.

As I emerged from the mandatory pool session it was Spunker himself who brought round O’Dirty’s cunningly contrived Chimay marinated beef C.C.C. mini-pies. While his commendable efforts at reproducing our logo in pie-crust have scope for improvement the only criticism that could be leveled at the pies themselves was that they were too small and too few. I look forward to the day when I can click a button on the website and have one of these scrumptious delights delivered to my plate within the hour.

The gourmet delights continued to roll off Paddles’s shiny new barbecue faster than people could eat them, and the pressing question for the awards committee became how they could best schedule in the required formalities. In the end the solution was to set up our array of gadgetry al fresco and take the show to the crowds. The fear of public speaking that has prevented your glossophobic scribe from taking the stand at the first two wind-ups was confirmed when despite waiting patiently in front of an imposing powerpoint presentation for five minutes looking hopeful the assembled Coglioni continued to eat and talk amongst themselves.

Finally there was nothing for it but to press the down arrow and start babbling. First up was a brief summary of the year that was, repeated here with some elaboration for the benefit of those still not paying respectful attention:

• 4277 CycloSportif km ridden (down 330 km on 2008).
• One flat tyre! Stuey was suitably abashed by the reminder.
• Three new recruits in Chuck, Gaz and Gobby, though the departure of Princess was lamented, and it should be noted with concern that some of last year’s rookies have not managed to turn out for a Sportif ride this year.
• A new club event - the Two-up TT. At this point the 2009 champions, Babel and Spunker, were lauded, and the awards committee was chastised for failing to produce a suitable trophy in the seven months that have elapsed since the event.
• Two completed orders from Champion System – about $2500 worth of stuff.
• Two pending orders for Champion System – another $4250 worth.
• It’s been an expensive year for the C.C.C. kitty with a couple of back-orders for Golden Goolies jerseys to fill, a going-away jersey for Princess, not to mention all the sundry costs that go with running a top-level cycling team. We should be back in the black though when all the current clothing orders have gone through.
• Golden Spokes John Walton Memorial Team Challenge Champions for 2009!

This last achievement has been described in detail already, but the wind-up was the first opportunity the clubs mere mortal members had had to celebrate their heroes, and you can be sure cheers could be heard at both ends of the verandah. As Spunker was busy with Spunker junior and Cookie was busy trying out the barbecue it fell upon The Doctor to represent the team and accept the fine pewter medallions awarded to the victors. Thanks was also given to the individual entrants, who rode selflessly for the greater glory of the team, and were rewarded with a share of the financial spoils in the form of Carboshotz packs and bottles.

With excitement high we moved on to a recap of the year’s events and the progress of the various contenders and pretenders for the Goolies. With the club events and Margaret River done O’Dirty was a surprise early leader, and he might have faired better later had he not chosen to miss a couple of events for the sake of getting, oh, dirty. New boy Crash was well in contention early and his consistency would hold him in good stead throughout the year. Mr Consistency and reigning club champion Blinder was third followed by dark horse Spunker. Early leader Ted, whose twin victories in the Kalamunda Handicap and Freo Gift had seen many a rider enquiring about the magical KT-26 boot in Perth’s cycling emporiums, rounded out the top five.

Lancelin saw Princess whip her charges into something approximating a team, with even the notoriously individualistic Cookie occasionally toeing the line, and the bonus points she reaped shot her to the top of the table. O’Dirty, Crash and Blinder all slipped a spot while your gracious host snuck briefly onto the lowest rung of the ladder worth a mention at this stage.

Unfortunately for Princess her moment of golden glory was kaiboshed by a move east, and the twin valley rides saw O’Dirty reclaim the lead, with Blinder and Crash swapping spots behind him. Inaugural champion Paddles showed he had recovered from last year’s disappointing ninth place by moving into fourth, and Spunker decided to have another look at life near the top.

At Byford O’Dirty paid the price of not riding and he slipped to fourth, while Paddles put in a strong performance to jump into first place ahead of Blinder and Crash. This time it was Cookie who hooked his nose on the fifth rung for a sniff of cycling nirvana. The Freeway extension opening saw Paddles falter unexpectedly, and Blinder took his chance, moving into first ahead of a tenacious Crash. O’Dirty moved up to third in front of Paddles, while Spunker popped his head up for the third time.

This brought us to Pinjarra which was the first event for which points had not been previously tallied and published online. It took a little while to get the crowd into the spirit of offering up random bonuses or penalties for deeds or misdeeds, whether real or imagined, but it was eventually decided to dock Paddles 29 points for riding in his C.C.C. shorts after Gaz had given them a nice pair of greasy handprints following a dropped chain on the climb. This kept Paddles in fourth spot and allowed Spunker to ascend to his highest position yet in third. Ahead of him Crash and Blinder were still separated by a scant 16 points and looked like fighting out the title with only the Golden Spokes to come.

It was fitting that an event with “golden” in its name should decide the fate of the Goolies for 2009. At first it looked like it would be Crash versus Blinder in a north against south of the river clash. But one by one the withdrawals came and these two titans of cycling both fell at the last post, apparently leaving the field open for a resurgent Paddles. The hoi polloi were once again asked to adjudicate bonus points, first on the question of the value of the club’s first victories, and then on the more vexed question of Paddles’s third place. Consensus came most readily in awarding Swee’Pea 50 points for taking out the ladies’ individual title, and that flowed through to agreement on a similar bonus for each member of the winning team.

After much debate the initially supportive crowd seemed to swing against Paddles and his flash barbecue, as the implications of the suggestion that rather than riding for the team victory he had ridden for his own ultimately unfulfilled glory began to sink in. In the end it was decided to award him 25 points for his podium, and take them away again to purge any stain of selfish intent.

It was academic by this stage anyway as the dark horse had bolted and Spunker was declared the winner of the Golden Goolies for 2009. A just reward for a fine display of consistency and team spirit made all the more remarkable by his having become a fine father in the same year. Can we suggest these two comings-of-age are linked by more than mere temporal juxtaposition? The awards committee were again derelict in their duty in not having prepared the traditional medals for our gala event, but the grin on Spunker’s face was sufficient to identify him as the champion for the rest of evening.

The plebs were sensing blood now and various calls for bonuses and penalties were coming in after the fact. Your temperamental host was in danger of sanction as Lill brought up the shouting incident, but luckily Collette’s cooler head prevailed and what could have been a penalty turned into a 25-point bonus for a nice posting. Meanwhile O’Dirty was awarded a futile 100 points for his tireless efforts on the fantasy tipping competitions this year, and as quickly penalised the same amount for his foolish forays into the dirt. An approximation of the final tallies can be found at the end of this post.

You might have thought it was all over bar the chocolate fountain and the obligatory sparkler bomb in the park, but Ted had other ideas in the form of an annual award of his own. It is fortunate indeed that the Coglioni ethos spans the full gamut from the stupid to the heroic, and rarely has an award simultaneously so ably captured both ends of that spectrum. Nailed to a board of rustic timber were Ted’s venerable KT-26s, the stuff of legend since his twin triumphs in the Kalamunda Handicap and Freo Gift, and undoubtedly the fastest pair of runners ever pedaled up the Freeway Bike Hike.

The winner of this redoubtable trophy was the unfortunately absent would-be pirate, better known to his fellow Coglioni as Il Caduto. My powers of recollection cannot do justice to Ted’s fine speech in praise of the inaugural winner of this prestigious award, but due to the wonders of email I can provide his response in its full glory.

Dear Coglioni,

I feel true humility at having been granted this, the most coveted and prestigious of awards, after being a Coglione for just over three months. “if I have fallen further, it is only by jumping from the shoulders of giants” (paraphrase I. Newton). I will always remember that I was taught the craft by masters, each far more incompetent that I could ever aspire to be. It was the likes of Ted and Digger who showed me the value of riding with faulty equipment. Brakes that don’t grab, tires that will not remain inflated, bent rims, old peddles and yes, KT-26s. These are the very currency of non proficency (sic! truly sic). I owe part of the credit for the memorable “Bethesda Fall” to my having ignored faulty gears for weeks. Without the tutorledge of these truly gran coglioni, I would likely never have provided such a spectacle.

But faulty equipment can take one only so far, it was a true master, the inimitable Crash, who taught me the value of misjudgement and miscalculation. Yes, the contents of the helmet determines the truly incompetent. I think it was, the now infamous, “Scotch College Fall”, that gave me the necessary vertical yardage to scotch the chances of the other pretenders to this trophy. It was only by imitating Crash, his gear changes, his risky moves on slippery surfaces, and his incomprehensible line into roundabouts, it was only this sincerest form of flattery that gave me the presence of mind to direct my bicycle away from the obvious and safe route of the paved road surface and up onto the sandy verge amongst the steel “No Standing” sign posts and the haphazardly placed trees. So Crash I accept the trophy, but it belongs to you mate.

I will be back collecting “boot to the goolies points”, and vertical yardage early in the new year. Until I can hand it on, I will take this fetid, decaying trophy, the revered KT-26s that showed Ted’s ineptitude for so many years, and give it pride of place in my toilet.

Thanks all, and live the dream!

il pirata

All that remains is to report the final tabulation of the Golden Goolies for 2009.