And yet it is refreshing to find that we can still learn from our elders. Paddles, Stuey and myself had some excellent lessons on how to ride from a couple of old gits* on the weekend.

We had had an excellent ride with an early start up the Roe Highway bike path, sneaking through Kenwick while the bogans slumbered and on to Crystal Brook Road. I had a vague intention of planning a ride that would get us back to the bridge in time to join the regular Sunday ride, but that was kaiboshed by Paddles delaying our rendezvous to 5:45, and me realising as we turned onto Kelvin Road that our proximity to Bickley Reservoir made a quick dash up that short sweet climb essential. I had the wherewithall to time myself at 5:25 up the 1.75 km 2.8% gradient so there is now a time to beat, though I dare say not a very impressive one, as Paddles and Stuey rolled in not far behind and had no doubt not been trying too hard. Paddles goaded me into going hard again on Crystal Brook but I could only manage 4:44, almost twenty seconds outside my unimpressive best known time.

With the wind at our backs we flew back into town, reaching the Narrows 47 minutes after cresting Crystal Brook Road. We were more than an hour late for the regular start but still a chance for a coffee and home by 9:00, so we pressed on. It was at this point that some old git decided to teach us few lessons by practical demonstration as follows:

1. When latching onto a group of fellow cyclists, do not announce your presence.
2. Do not take a turn, and under no circumstances utter an apology like “Sorry, I’m a lazy sod, do you mind if I suck your wheel for five or six kilometres?”.
3. As you approach the place where your friends are waiting, dash off the front of the group so you look like you’ve been going hard all by yourself.
4. In executing point three, make sure you create a dangerous situation by passing three wide when your new-found chums you are about to dump are swapping the lead.
5. When you’ve run out of puff and are about to be caught again, slam on your brakes and turn off the path without indicating.

That was a lot for us to absorb all in one go, so it was fortunate that the lesson came to an end. But as luck would have it Paddles and Stuey had been caught up in traffic and by the time they rejoined me along the riverfront the git and his git mate were on their way and soon on our wheel again, with a few more lessons in store.

They started off with revision of lessons one and two, then moved onto more advanced stuff:

6. When passing a pedestrian on a path, if the guy at the front decides no warning signal is required, take matters into you own hands from the back of the bunch and ring your bell. Don’t worry that the rest of the bunch might think someone is coming past on a tricycle, causing unnecessary nervousness.
7. Don’t on any account follow the bunch up a hill, lest you be made to look a fool.

And so with the final lesson complete we were finally rid of them. I was well stuffed with knowledge, and generally well, stuffed, by the time we rolled into Gino’s, but was pleased to find that not only had Sick Note used his tyre to clear the road of nasty shards of glass, he was taking orders for refreshing juices.

*How glad I am now that we did not end up calling ourselves the Fat Gits Cycling Club.